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Aug. 8th, 2005 @ 12:48 am
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fuck fuck fucking fuck.
FUCK.
my father sternly told me earlier to "lose the potty mouth".
it's still making me laugh.Current Mood: FUCKING AMUSED |
oh. my. god.
i just watched jessica simpsons's video for "these boots are made for walking" from the dukes of hazzard soundtrack, and not only do i want to have violent sex with her, i want to immediately see what is sure to be a god-awful movie and possibly move to the south to be closer to jessica and girls like her.
that girl is good. i really couldn't take my eyes off the screen for the duration of the video.
i now understand why teenage boys spend most of their days and nights furiously masturbating - they're constantly inundated with images like ginormous-boobied jessica simpson shaking like she's going through heroin withdrawal in a skimpy bikini, while wet and soapy.
wow, i think i want to watch that video again.
i know i'm not a lesbian, because vaginas gross me out. and i don't think i could avoid vagina if i were a lesbian. unless of course i were a celibate lesbian. or a lesbian with an uncured phobia of vaginas. or an ugly and mean lesbian that nobody liked. LESBIAN LESBIAN LESBIAN.
but i really want to make out with jessica simpson, or touch her boobies. and then punch her in the face, because seriously, once she opens her mouth she's really annoying.
oh yeah, and lindsay lohan too, but lohan pre-"exhaustion"/bulimia/coke-binge when she was still pretty and had red hair and her boobs were boob-tastic.
this is obviously due to complete pop-culture overload. mtv and the media at large are conspiring to make me want to make out with other chicks. i can't really be blamed for this - you can only stand having so many boobies in your face before you start wanting to grab them. see, all this time people thought they were just trying to get us to buy things or watch movies or listen to albums, but they've really been trying to create a super master race of lesbians who will eventually take over the planet, kill all the men, and stop reproducing, thus ending humanity's reign as the baddest species on earth. c'mon - you think these people would work so hard at brainwashing us just to make money? anyone diabolical enough to capture jessica simpson bouncing up and down in a string bikini and put it on tv always has a master plan to end the world.
um, i should go to bed before i update this again, or go buy something i can't afford.
sleep tight,
no, tighter,
::tighterrr::,
lauren.Current Mood: sex Current Music: BOMB |
so i was contemplating going to vegas with the cousin and her fiance in july, and just as i was about to buy the ticket this afternoon i talked myself out of it as i couldn't justify spending $460 for a roundtrip plane ticket to stay there from thursday afternoon to saturday morning.
instead, i got caught up in trying to out-bid some guy i designated a "douche-bag" on e-bay, based solely on the fact that he was obsessively refreshing the page and bidding in increments of 50 cents every half minute (which, duh, i was doing also). so now i'm $220 poorer, but the proud owner of a refurbished iPod, which i probably paid too much for (with money i don't have) and which will probably explode, sending shards of iPod everywhere and take out my eye, immediately after my warranty expires.
so i gave up a trip to vegas, staying in a free suite at the bellagio, with free meals at high falutin restaurants, for a little gadget which i have no business owning and will probably be obsolete in another year (but not before it takes my eye out).
and now i'm completely stressed out and in need of a vacation, but i don't have anywhere to go and i totally can't afford it.
this is what happens when you leave me alone (thanks, josh - hope you're having fun in the bahamas, but you'd better come back soon because i'm now too poor to buy food and will likely die of starvation unless you intervene).
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so i was sitting alone in my basement contemplating my existence and plotting my course of action for the evening. either:
-i look up the answers to my nutrition homework and type it up all neat-like, fulfilling my duty as a diligent student...
-i finish reading the faulkner book i've been struggling with for the past week...
-i do some much-needed laundry...
and then i just got really high and all i felt like doing was updating my livejournal.
i thought that was funny, so i wrote about it.
on another note: i am very tired of everything, in general. not even ice cream and/or bagels excites me anymore, so i'm thinking either do something like change my name and sexual orientation and move to argentina or DIE of absolute and total boredom and general disinterest in life.
this is completely serious.
and having said that, i am reminded of what dave told me last night, that i took offense to at the time. he proclaimed, with complete authority that i was in love with drama, implying i'm not satisfied without it.
me? a drama queen??
and now is when i implode due to lack of insight and self-awareness.
ohhhh yeeaaahh whatever. i know this essay lacks depth and is eerily similar to everything i ever wrote and said between the ages of 14-17, but that's only because we never really outgrow our adolescent self, we just shut up about it. well, unless you're me of course.
this is one of those charming qualities about me that garners me lots of friendships, love and success.
and if you believe that, it's because you're stupid.
growing up is gay,
and i don't mean gay in the cool and slightly intimidating rufus wainwright way.
i mean gay in the frighteningly creepy, buying katie holmes in order to not look gay, way.
arrrgggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh,
lauren, aka "tomkat" |
it is summer. it has been summer x 3 this past week and i have melted my way through it. i have school for two and a half hours each morning followed by work, everyday.
none of this is very exciting.
remember when summer was waking up whenever you felt like it, eating a bowl of cereal in front of the teevee and not getting out of your pyjamas until it was cool enough to go outside?
(ok, i was a lazy and fat child. but seriously, doesn't that sound like fun?)
apparently there is a direct relationship between the progression of years and the amount of care-free fun to be had.
in other words, the older you get, the more things get crappy.
...
[[and now a glimpse into why i will forever resent owning a vagina. these are some actual thoughts that have been running through my head most of the day: i got contacts. i don't like the way i look without my glasses. this is really not a good thing, considering me without glasses is just my face. so i guess i don't like my face. also, i can't stop thinking about wanting bigger boobs. how am i supposed to fill out my new bathing suit with no boobs?? why aren't they bigger?? jessica simpson has very big boobs and dyed blonde hair and she's a bajillionaire. why can't i be jessica simpson??? or at least have her boobs??? BOOOOBSSS!!]]
perpetually yours in adolescence,
*lauren* |
| » Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh |
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As part of our continuing series, Alex aka ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) innocuouschild, once again steps in and writes for Lauren, in the voice of Lauren.
Dear Livejournal,
I saw a picture of Alex the other day. It's the one where he's standing next to his Harley Davidson Night Train Edition with his helmet in his left hand and his white t-shirt in the other. The rain slowly running down his six-pack abs, as he looks up exhaustedly at the surprise picture I take of him with that deviant smile slowly creaking open. I don't believe in God, but that day, I wondered what other deity could shape such perfection. The only thing that was missing was a mustache and a green beret. Why? Because I am a Saddam Hussein lovin' liberal.
Alex is just a memory now. A bittersweet memory. Bittersweet like a bad milkshake. Bittersweet, like a kiss from your aunt. Bittersweet, like the sour patch that usually doesn't taste that good but you chew on anyway. Why? Because nobody loves me.
I walked around the local park the other day and found a sort of secret garden. I accidentally left my cell phone there and the next day it was gone with a note in its place reading, "Thank you." So I kept leaving trinkets everyday for the past two weeks and everyday I'd find another note that said,"Thank you." Finally I went and in the place where I usually find my notes I saw Jesus standing there. He looked at me with his beautiful brown eyes and said,"Lauren, everybody you know just pretends to like you."
Love,
Lauren
Jun. 3rd, 2005 @ 10:26 am
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| » life, the universe, and everything. |
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FUCK.
life is so unbelievably random.
people try to assign all kinds of meaning to events that occur in life to distract them from the ultimate conclusion that there is no santa clause, the easter bunny is a fiction of hallmark, and that god really doesn't give a shit about you.
life is pain. life is joy. life is love. life is loss. life is sex. life is grief. life is loneliness. life is friendships. life is death.
life is all of those things and none of those things, because it just is. and when it's all over, nothing meant anything anyway.
don't get me wrong - i'm not trying to say it isn't worth it, but please do yourself and everyone else the favor and stop trying to look for the meaning of it all. there may very well be a god (or not), but he stopped caring as soon as he was done tinkering here.
we are all here by accident, and depending on where, who from and what happens after, that accident can be a happy one or a shitty fucking mess.
and yes, i realize this is unbearably trite, but until everybody notices, i might as well keep saying it.
i'm not bitter, i'm just tired of all the bullshit. and vain attempts at rationalization are really fucking annoying.
May. 25th, 2005 @ 07:39 pm
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| » on re-reading lolita |
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"All at once we were madly, clumsily, shamelessly, agonizingly in love with each other; hopelessly, I should add, because that frenzy of mutual possession might have been assuaged only by our actually imbibing and assimilating every particle of each other's soul and flesh..."
--
fucking nabokov. he makes everything so intensely, disturbingly beautiful you wish you were never born. i liken it to having the most earth-quaking, heavens-shifting sex in your life, only to find out you did it with your brother.
if the bastard hadn't died 30 years ago i'd make it my business to track him down and slap him in the face.
the only other person that's elicited this reaction from me is bob dylan. and he's totally alive, so he might want to watch his back.
just sayin'.
Sep. 17th, 2004 @ 12:42 pm
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| » a picture is worth a thousand &@#*%!!! |
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(taken from GW's yale yearbook)
further confirmation of my sneaking suspicion that he's a dirty cheating spoiled dickweed.
"..."
that's about all i have to say about that.
Aug. 10th, 2004 @ 11:33 pm
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| » it was raining from the first and i was dying there of thirst, so i came in here... |
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supposed to be preparing a presentation on honor killings for class tomorrow afternoon. i've spent most of the evening trying to figure out a way to get out of it in order to avoid a patented lauren freak out attack in front of my classmates when i realize that they're all looking at me and my voice is the only one being listened to. this usually takes about 2.5 seconds to set in, and my presentation will be about 5 minutes in total. if you're not doing anything tomorrow, i encourage you all to stop by powdermaker 112 and watch my self confidence and sanity dissolve before your eyes - in real time!
ok, i'm totally psyching myself out. it probably won't be that bad (right). the last time i had to get in front of a class it went something like this:
lauren: "according to my research ::choke::, ::gulp:: i have found that, ::gulp::"
lauren: ....
lauren: ....
lauren: "waaaaaaaaaaaaaaah"
and then i peed my pants.
..END SCENE..
ok, most of that is true. point is: i'm a-scared.
whatevs. girls don't have to be smart, i'll just try to look extra pretty so they won't listen to what i say anyway. and, as i learned very early on in life, if all else fails - cry.
so right now i'm eating ice cream, listening to bob marley, half-watching msnbc's/cnn's coverage of the dnc and contemplating the fig newtons sitting in front of me. oh yes, their time in this world is not long.
this will probably continue for about another hour, at which point i'll have no choice but to put this whole thing together half-assedly and freak out about it while i sleep and all day tomorrow before i have to spew it at my classmates.
woo-ha.
now and forevermore, i conclude: i'm a big baby.
Jul. 28th, 2004 @ 12:21 am
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| » somebody get me some water because i'm CHOKING on the irony |
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CHOKING!
straight from the newswire, folks!
Labor Department Launches Web Site to Help the Homeless
7/20/2004 1:42:00 PM
WASHINGTON, July 20 /U.S. Newswire/ -- The Department of Labor (DOL) today launched a Web site to help America's homeless find jobs through mainstream as well as targeted training, education and placement services and to provide a vital link to government- wide resources.
more, here
way to go, department of labor! i'm sure all those homeless people out there who CAN'T AFFORD SHELTER OR FOOD DEFINITELY HAVE ACCESS TO THE INTERNET ON THEIR PCs!!
nice one, dingus.
i hear the department of labor also gives out radios to deaf people, and mittens to amputees.
yea, that's the word on the street about the department of labor. you'd be surprised, but they're a big topic of conversation these days, on the streets.
(i'm at work. can you tell how productive i am here? the answer is: not very, in case you couldn't tell.)
hearts, flowers, kittens, and babies,
*lauren*
p.s. AAAAAAAARGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhh
Jul. 21st, 2004 @ 02:14 pm
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| » run away with me, you know you want to. |
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Children behave
That's what they say when we're together
And watch how you play
They don't understand
And so we're
Running just as fast as we can
Holdin' on to one another's hand
Tryin' to get away into the night
And then you put your arms around me
And we tumble to the ground
And then you say
I think we're alone now
There doesn't seem to be anyone around
I think we're alone now
The beating of our hearts is the only sound
Look at the way
We gotta hide what we're doin'
'cause what would they say
If they ever knew
And so we're
Running just as fast as we can
Holdin' on to one another's hand
Tryin' to get away into the night
And then you put your arms around me
And we tumble to the ground
And then you say
I think we're alone now
There doesn't seem to be anyone around
I think we're alone now
The beating of our hearts is the only sound
seriously.
love lauren.
and
love,
lauren.
Jul. 15th, 2004 @ 01:23 am
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| » exhibit A: proof that i am annoying, and he must be insane. |
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him: and you're correct about me not liking you
him: I adore you!
me: aw, really?
him: yesss
me: A*dore"\, v. t. [imp. & p. p. Adored ; p. pr. & vb. n. Adoring 1. To worship with profound reverence; to pay divine honors to; to honor as deity or as divine.
me: 2. To love in the highest degree; to regard with the utmost esteem and affection; to idolize.
me: thats some serious shit
me: heh
me: and i bet i just ruined it
him: as I was typing that in I gave it a second thought and made sure it was the proper thing to say because I knew you would consult the dictionary
me: to worship; to express reverence and homage. The forms of adoration among the Jews were putting off the shoes (Ex. 3:5; Josh. 5:15), and prostration
him: adorable lauren
me: that means you take off my shoes and kiss my feet
him: kissy
me: according to the book of joshua!!
me: hahahahahaha
Jul. 2nd, 2004 @ 01:18 pm
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| » chuckle, chuckle |
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"In a historic decision... the Supreme Court ruled 8-1 Monday that the American people are unfit to govern.
The controversial decision, was, according to Justice David Souter, "a response to the clear, demonstrable incompetence and indifference of the current U.S. citizenry in matters concerning the operation of this nation's government."
As a result of the ruling, the American people will no longer retain the power to choose their own federal, state, and local officials or vote on matters of concern to the public."
hehe. more here
Jul. 2nd, 2004 @ 12:06 pm
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| » funnneeee |
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"mr. vice president, i have to inform you - your pants are on fire."
- jon stewart.
ohhhhhh. haha. everybody's a liar. oh, the hilarity! it's so funny that we are lied to every day by everyone and all they want is to pollute our air for profit, kill all brown people everywhere with our hard-earned money, not take care of our grammas and grampas, keep us unlearned and watching american idol and eating mcdonald's while buying penis-enlarging devices via the internet.
ohhhh yea right.
the whole world's gone stupid. this is why i don't live here anymore.
in other news, none of this is very easy, and it seems to get harder all the time. which is ok, because it has to be.
you understand this - you just won't admit it.
Jun. 21st, 2004 @ 11:09 pm
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| » whaaaaaaaaat??? |
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looked at ireland pictures today. this has reinforced the already obvious fact that my head is too fat for cameras. my head even looks fat in the land of the fat-headed.
whatever. read this, and keep in mind that allison is 22 and i am 21. we will never grow up. i think this is ok.
alley: like how your parents baptised you just incase you died and went to hell?
lauren: no they baptised me when i was already walking because they were tired of hearing about it from my grandparents
lauren: they held out a while!
lauren: jerks.
lauren: ill never forgive them
alley: or to LIMBO
alley: hahah
lauren: g-d forbid
alley: at least now when you die you can live with me
alley: i have the feeling our heavens are similar
alley: everything is made out of cheese
alley: black men swarm us like the plague
alley: irish men wash our feet
alley: we dont get fat
alley: and we dont have to shave or wear glasses
--
i have homework to do for my summer session poetry class. there are so many things i'd like to change about that sentence that i don't even know where to start.
finally, the theme of late seems to be this:
everything is wrong and that's ok.
when it's not i'll let you know.
(this was a waste of time. mainly i wrote it because i changed the layout on this here thing. yes, i have too much time on my hands. chances are if you're reading this you love me anyway. and that's your problem.)
Jun. 14th, 2004 @ 11:37 pm
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| » (No Subject) |
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you're hungry.
you leave your house and find two restaurants next door to eachother.
you read the menus.
one is offering a 7 course meal with drinks and dessert, all prepared by a world famous chef. and it's ladies night, so it's all free. there's a disclaimer at the bottom that says: "there is a 50% chance that this will be the finest meal you've ever had and you'll never want to eat again. there is also a 50% chance that it will kill you."
the other offers peanut butter and jelly on white bread. chunky style skippy and welch's grape.
which one do you choose?
(maybe, you go home and eat leftovers. alone.)
Jun. 10th, 2004 @ 11:13 pm
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| » well america, you know where you can shove your hamburger |
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back home. ireland is nice, but life is life wherever you go. my idea of leaving my family and friends to run away and join the ira were abandoned once i realized that living is just as boring and un-glamorous anywhere you live it. everyone has to work for a living, even in places where they talk funny.
new plan: become a nomad. no roots, no job, no worries.
new actual plan: stop being such a baby.
jumped right back into workschoolhumidityrealitytvfriendsenemiesbusestrainshuddledmassesyearningtobreathefreebloombergbushphoneansweringtextmessagingNOSHEEPfatpeopleeverywhereexhaustionendofstory...
(oh, morrissey, such a cheeky bastard):
"America your head's too big,
Because America, Your belly's too big
And I love you, I just wish you'd stay where you is."
peace. out.
Jun. 8th, 2004 @ 11:35 am
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| » (No Subject) |
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last night in dublintown.
all in all, it's been a blast. highlight of the trip is still the sheep incident. yes, that's sadly true. this isn't because my stay was boring, it's because i'm immature.
going out with the only 4 people under 50 tonight, heading to the trendy east village-like area of dublin called temple bar. hoping to have a real irish experience, minus a night spent in the drunk tank afterwards. wish me luck.
i'll be sad to leave, but happy to come on home. no matter where i go, i never forget that i live in the greatest city in the world.
admittedly lame entry here, but i'm all outta poetry. i wish you could see this place, it speaks for itself.
gonna get going now and get my picture taken with oscar wilde in st. stephens green. i love how they put the guy in prison for 2 years for being a homosexual and then honor him with a big old statue in a park in the center of their city. go figure.
Jun. 5th, 2004 @ 05:24 pm
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